Friday, September 22, 2006

so, i'm doing this because i can...need to sort of vent some things, and this is the only way i can do it right now...can't believe its been almost a year.
anyway, i'm at work...i've gotten almost nothing done. woke up late this morning, came in sick, and it seems the entire day has been shot ever since. Spent the larger part of my shift speaking to someone in Spanish, simply because I can. Looked up a bunch of info regarding my certification. That's about it.
Out of here in half an hr, then to Tee's for bacon wrapped shrimp and champagne. Tomorrow is the Garlic Festival...I guess I'm meeting up with the K family, which is weird. Not weird that I'm meeting up with them per se, but more that I'm doing it and C won't be there. In fact, he doesn't even know about it. And I know J is going to ask questions, because it won't make since that I'm still around... not a single aspect of this situation makes any sense. But it made sense for him to pick me up from the airport. And it made sense for him to stay in my hotel room. And it made sense for us to kiss goodbye. I can't believe its been this long, and there are no more answers than there were in the beginning. Only more questions. Every day that goes by presents more unanswered questions. And he seems to reject new situations...complications. He seems to be in denial of the fact that things that affect his family affect me... that I might have some tie that isn't him...and that if he isn't here, it can't possibly be him anyway.
I feel like an idiot. This whole thing is getting so stupid. Is it really so difficult to admit that you love someone? Am I supposed to feel good about the fact that he feels he has to hide his relationship with me? Jesus. I only stand and scream from the rooftops...constantly tell him how fucking amazing he is. But apparently I don't deserve anything nearly the same. I need to be hidden. Ugh.
This sucks, because the last entry I have in this space has me mad at him too...and it hasn't always been this way. In fact, there were a lot of really great times in between then and now. Trust me that there is a reason I love him so much...he's just making it difficult right now. I'm not feeling so good right now. Time is the test of all things, you know, and we're going on 10 years of this saga. 10 years is nearly half our lives...
Alright, I'm out of here in 15 minutes. Perhaps I will be back later.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

tears on ice

i'm feeling short of breath, so i need a moment or so..
everything feels like its falling apart.
i guess it's felt like that for the larger part of 2 years.
my god, i don't believe everything that's happened.
i was feeling okay, or at least thining i was
until i wound up in that accident
and found the only sense of freedom and independence i had
taken away from me.
I found the one who I had counted on had turned his back on me...
or at least that's how it feels.
I know he's got things going on in his life
but it's like i said,
if that's the case, I wish he'd just tell me.
The fact that I've got people who don't know me outside of name offering their comfort just makes me feel worse, because he hasn't offered me a damn thing.
I just want a moment...
an embrace...
I want him to hear it from me, instead of through the grapevine.
I want to be be loved by him. And I know it isn't impossible, because it's happened before. I don't know what I did to no longer deserve that. I don't know what's happened to change him so much and yet so little at the same time.
I'm so hurt and frustrated and lonely, and feeling like I'll never love first again.

Sunday, June 26, 2005


Monday, June 13, 2005

for future reference

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

the wind blows over the wall tonight, my love

Image hosted by Photobucket.comI went to the show Saturday night, at the Grill. The opening band, The Distraction, was pretty cool. Reminded me of sitting in a 1970-s style basement, you know, the kind with the carpet and the cooler full of coke and shasta...sitting there with your father's turntable, up against the wall in your frayed jeans and canvas sneakers. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
Then Joey went on. He opened with Bramfatura, gradually getting more into the song. Very last note, he broke a string. Handed the guitar off to Tom Benton, and continued on with the set. Next song was Dregs...broke another string. Tom came back to the stage, and Joey picked up his other guitar. He had already played a set earlier in the day, so this show was more improv, off the cuff. He broke out The Game...and I wonder if anyone can really appreciate that song if they don't know the people involved. I mean, it's a good song...but I think it's even better if you know the story. He played Puddle, which makes me homesick...reminds me of how things (everything) started, sitting out on my front porch...
Then he said he was going to play a song because he had a lot of old friends out in the audience. He played Lay Down the Law. Melinda and Jay both turned and looked at me. I had goosebumps. My eyes teared up. That song was defining for me in so many ways, but I had never heard it played live.
He closed the set down with Amaze Disgrace. Didn't even get to finish it out...broke every single string on the guitar. He held the naked instrument up for a moment, pushed the hair out of his face, and tossed it to the side of the stage. I had to catch my breath.
I've realized once again just what an impact Joey and the boys and their music have had on me. It's something I've always been able to turn to. I can feel totally alone, and I put in a cd and hear that familiar riff, Joey's voice...and it's like I'm home. Joey was really there for me in a time that I needed someone...and he didn't know me from anyone else...when I think about it now, it seems like I was asking a lot from him...maybe not asking...but I was alot to deal with. I'm still a lot to deal with. But Joey didn't seem to mind...
I don't know anyone like him...anyone who can do what he does. And he's so real about it all. I went up to the stage with Jay...stood there for a few minutes while Joey finished a conversation with someone else...he turned to me, moved to shake my hand, and then just hugged me, still dripping with sweat. I didn't really know what to say. It was stupid...this is the boy who grew up down the street...but I was in awe of him. I've always been in awe of him...and I know he's just another human being...but he's such a great human being...As you can maybe tell, I'm having a hard time putting it into words...but anyone who has ever met Joey knows what I'm talking about.
He's inspiring...I wish I could do what he does...wish I could have just a little piece of that...but I know I'm lucky enough to have been there...Image hosted by

Sunday, May 08, 2005


remember when we could lie in bed all day, letting the cool, sweet air come in through the window, over us as we curled up under the flannel and down? Remember sitting on the stone slabs overlooking the river, next to the flower beds, whispering, and giggling, and not caring much about the crowd of kids with their glass bottles and smoking sticks who had gathered around to watch us? I'm afraid of not ever having that again. I'm afraid that this--this half-hollow, sleepwalking feeling I've got--is what it means to grow up. I don't want to have to settle for something less. I want two dozen yellow roses with butterflies perched on the stems. I want stick figure drawings. I want soap bubbles, and soda through straws and sunsets.
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Saturday, May 07, 2005


i'm at work. i'm freaking bored. i could be working on one of my million final papers due in the next week, or i could be packing, or doing laundry, or anything productive. but i'm chained to a desk for the next two hours. figured i'd ramble in here for awhile to pass the time. it's sad how i'm not used to really writing things anymore. or maybe it's just because i'm at work and don't feel like i can really write. i don't know. i think i'm just burnt out. i need to find benny and joon. can't believe i don't own that movie.
can't believe everything is changing in the next week or so. i'll be done with the semester, moving, crazy stuff. craig will be home, and we'll be in the same zip code for the first time in months. and he won't be leaving after a day, or even a week. in fact, i don't know when he'll be leaving at all. and it makes me nervous. will i be spending time with him? i can't imagine that i won't. but what if i do? i'll probably end up falling in love all over again, not that i ever fell out, and then what? this explains the dreams ive been having, the ones that are keeping me up all night.
why is he the biggest thing in my world? you wouldn't think that'd be so easy to answer. he makes me happy. or maybe he doesn't. he doesn't actively have to do a single thing, and i'm happy just being around him. knowing him.
i don't know of much else that has that effect on me...and maybe that's my problem, i don't know. i just know there's a lot involved here, and i'm thinking way too much, and i don't want to be disappointed.
i basically keep typing in this thing because i like the style.
1 hour, 40 minutes. or something. i can't keep track.