Friday, September 22, 2006

so, i'm doing this because i can...need to sort of vent some things, and this is the only way i can do it right now...can't believe its been almost a year.
anyway, i'm at work...i've gotten almost nothing done. woke up late this morning, came in sick, and it seems the entire day has been shot ever since. Spent the larger part of my shift speaking to someone in Spanish, simply because I can. Looked up a bunch of info regarding my certification. That's about it.
Out of here in half an hr, then to Tee's for bacon wrapped shrimp and champagne. Tomorrow is the Garlic Festival...I guess I'm meeting up with the K family, which is weird. Not weird that I'm meeting up with them per se, but more that I'm doing it and C won't be there. In fact, he doesn't even know about it. And I know J is going to ask questions, because it won't make since that I'm still around... not a single aspect of this situation makes any sense. But it made sense for him to pick me up from the airport. And it made sense for him to stay in my hotel room. And it made sense for us to kiss goodbye. I can't believe its been this long, and there are no more answers than there were in the beginning. Only more questions. Every day that goes by presents more unanswered questions. And he seems to reject new situations...complications. He seems to be in denial of the fact that things that affect his family affect me... that I might have some tie that isn't him...and that if he isn't here, it can't possibly be him anyway.
I feel like an idiot. This whole thing is getting so stupid. Is it really so difficult to admit that you love someone? Am I supposed to feel good about the fact that he feels he has to hide his relationship with me? Jesus. I only stand and scream from the rooftops...constantly tell him how fucking amazing he is. But apparently I don't deserve anything nearly the same. I need to be hidden. Ugh.
This sucks, because the last entry I have in this space has me mad at him too...and it hasn't always been this way. In fact, there were a lot of really great times in between then and now. Trust me that there is a reason I love him so much...he's just making it difficult right now. I'm not feeling so good right now. Time is the test of all things, you know, and we're going on 10 years of this saga. 10 years is nearly half our lives...
Alright, I'm out of here in 15 minutes. Perhaps I will be back later.